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Pareating Experimenting
Do I Need a Parenting Coach?
Parenting coaches are emerging as a new way for parents to gain support for a variety of parenting issues. Unlike psychotherapists who treat diagnosed mental health conditions, coaches behave more like consultants. They provide tools, ideas, and support without treating underlying issues, like ADHD or depression.
How Do I Know If I Need a Coach?
Parenting coaches can help with a variety of issues. Here are a few services a parenting coach may be able to offer.
- Behavior problems: Help you find effective ways to address issues such as aggression, sibling rivalry, and defiance.
- Stress-related parenting issues: Find ways to take care of yourself and manage your stress.
- Best parenting practices: Assist you in following through with research-based best practices in regards to issues such as homework, electronics, and exercise.
- Developmental activities: Strategies that support your child’s physical, emotional, and social development.
- Parenting during transition or crisis: Help you be the best parent you can during a crisis or hardship, such as divorce or loss of a loved one.
- Parenting questions: Answer a variety of questions regarding best parenting practices.
- Practical problems: Help you create a plan to address childcare issues or educational problems.
How Are Services Offered?
Some parenting coaches go to parents’ homes and provide feedback while you’re caring for your child. Other coaches meet with parents anywhere, including in the community, or at your office. Other parenting coaches over services by phone, email or via video conference.
It’s up to you to determine which type of services would be most beneficial to you. While some parents enjoy having a coach they can call on the phone during evening hours, other people prefer face-to-face meetings only.
How Much Does a Parenting Coach Cost?
Coaches establish their own prices. In general, you can expect to pay somewhere around $100 an hour, but fees vary greatly depending on the coach and the area in which you live.
Insurance companies do not cover the costs of parenting coaches. If you or your child has diagnosed mental health or developmental disorder, you may be eligible to receive services that are covered by your health insurance. Talk to your doctor, your child’s pediatrician, or your insurance company directly if you think you may qualify for this type of service.
What to Look For in a Parenting Coach
While there are some parent coaching certification programs, most coaches aren’t certified. Some of them have college degrees and experience working as therapists or teachers, but others have few qualifications. Inquire about what type of experience, training, or certification a coach has before making any decisions.
It’s important to find a coach that you feel comfortable talking to about various parenting issues. An open and honest relationship is an essential first step in finding someone who can help you reach your goals.
Ask questions about a coach’s policies regarding confidentiality and paperwork. Make sure the person you work with is going to keep your conversations private.
Whether you hope to prefer to meet with a coach face-to-face, or you’re looking for someone to speak with over the phone, a quick online search can help you locate the best services for you. Many of them offer a free initial consultation and a quick conversation may help you decide if that coach is a good match for your needs.
STYLE
7 Things You Should Do When Your Child Ignores You
It’s infuriating when a child doesn’t listen to directions. If you’re pressed for time and your child won’t budge, it can be especially frustrating. It’s important to teach your child to listen to you the first time you speak. Otherwise, ignoring your requests could become a common habit.
Whether you get no reply when you tell your child it’s time to come inside, or your child acts like they don’t hear you when you tell them to pick up their toys, here are seven steps you should take when your child ignores you.
Eliminate Distractions
It’s important to distinguish between willful defiance and simply not hearing you. If you yell to your child when they’re playing video games in the other room, they might be too engrossed in the game to hear you call them. If you tell them to put their bike away when they’re zooming past the driveway, they might not catch what you have to say.
Before you give your child instructions, get rid of all distractions. Turn off the TV, call their name, and establish eye contact. You might even need to put a hand on their shoulder. Then, give your child clear directions that outline what you want them to do.
Keep your directions short and simple by saying something like, “Pick your toys up, please.” Skip the lecture and use a firm and neutral tone of voice.
Request Repetition
Ensure that your child understands what you said by asking them to repeat back your instructions.
Ask, “OK, so what are you supposed to do now?” and wait for them to explain, “I’m supposed to put on my play clothes so I can help you rake the lawn.”
Offer clarification or ask if they have any questions. If your child can repeat back to you what they’re supposed to do, you’ll know your expectations are clear.
Give One Warning
After you’ve given your child instructions and you’re sure they understand, wait about five seconds. It may take a little time for the information to sink in. If your child doesn’t make any attempts to follow through with your command, they’re ignoring you.
Give your child a when…then warning. Say something like, “When you go upstairs and start cleaning your room, then you will be able to play on the computer tonight.”
Use the same approach even if your child doesn’t ignore you completely. If your child says something like, “I know!” or “I’ll do it in a minute,” give them a warning. Teach your child that they need to follow your instructions when you give them, not according to their own schedule.
A great way to reduce conflict and increase adherence is to provide limited choices. This provides your child with opportunities for increased responsibility and a sense of personal control: “You can choose to clean up your room before or after dinner—your choice.”
Follow Through
After you’ve given a warning, give your child a few seconds to comprehend. If your child makes no attempt to do what you’ve asked, then follow through with a consequence. You could say something like, “Because you chose not to clean up the dishes, you have also chosen to lose out on video game time.”
If a privilege is lost, be sure that your child understands the loss is not something you chose to do. Emphasize that they can make a different choice and change the outcomes.
Make sure you follow through on your warning. If you aren’t prepared to go through with the consequence you’ve laid out (such as taking away a privilege) find something that you can go through with.
Create a Plan
Make your concerns known by saying, “I notice we are having challenges, especially around getting things done. What is getting in the way of you being able to follow through?” Rather than accusing them of not listening, attempt to have a conversation about the possible roadblocks.
For some children, receiving praise and positive attention is enough motivation for them to keep up the good work. If you point out to your child, “Great job shutting the TV off right when I asked you to,” they might be more motivated to do it again.
Other kids need a bigger incentive to follow directions. Consider a reward system or a token economy system to motivate your child to be more compliant.
Avoid Traps
Sometimes, parents inadvertently train their kids to ignore them. Yelling, nagging, and begging are more likely to make a child ignore you. Lengthy lectures and giving too many commands can also cause your child to stop listening.
Reserve your instructions for the most important issues you want to address. Stick to a single warning—repeat warnings will teach your child that they don’t have to listen the first time you speak.
Rule Out Underlying Problems
If your child’s refusal to listen is a problem in more than one environment (for example, not listening at home and at school) it’s important to rule out underlying problems. There are a few questions you should ask yourself before you assume your child is ignoring you.
- Could your child have a hearing problem? Get your child’s hearing checked if they seem to have trouble hearing you or understanding your directions.
- Does your child have trouble paying attention?If your child is much focused on what they’re doing and they don’t hear you, or if they can’t focus long enough to follow through with what you’ve said, they might have a condition such as ADHD.
- Does your child have a cognitive condition? Developmental problems or cognitive impairments can make it difficult for a child to process information and take action in a short amount of time.
If you suspect your child may have an underlying medical or mental health issue, talk to their pediatrician. They can assess your child and rule out any medical or mental health explanation for their behavior. If a condition is diagnosed, you will be able to work with them on treatment.
STRATEGY
Discipline Strategies That Promote Healthy Self-Esteem
Disciplining a child for making a poor choice doesn’t mean you have to make him feel bad about himself. In fact, discipline that shames children can be quite destructive.
Healthy discipline can help your child feel bad about what he did, but it shouldn’t make him feel bad for who he is.
A child who feels good about himself—despite the mistake he made—will be motivated to make a better choice in the future.
Keep Your Expectations Appropriate
A clear understanding of child development is essential to raising a child with healthy self-esteem. If your expectations of your child are too high, you’ll experience a lot of frustration—and so will your child—when he’s not able to meet those expectations.
Expectations that are too low can be damaging as well. If you expect too little from your child you may stunt his development.
Recognize your child’s need for independence throughout each developmental stage. Identify the social, physical, emotional, and intellectual milestones your child is reaching. Then, you can ensure your rules and consequences are effective, age-appropriate discipline strategies.
Avoid Using Labels
It may be tempting to label your child by saying something like, “She’s my little musician,” or “He’s my math star.” Unfortunately, some parents use more negative labels, like, “She’s a klutz,” or “He’s my hyper one.” Labels do more harm than good—even when they’re positive.
Kids know when they’re parents have labeled them in one way or another. Often, they feel like they need to live up to those standards.
A child who has been labeled as a “little scientist,” may not pursue his interest in music because he thinks he’s only supposed to be passionate about science-related activities.
When kids aren’t free to explore lots of interests, activities, and pursuits, it can damage their self-worth.
Separate the Behavior from the Child
Saying things like, “You’re a bad boy!” or “You’re a naughty girl!” changes the way children perceive themselves. And if they begin to view themselves as bad, they’re more likely to misbehave.
Separate the behavior from your child. Rather than saying, “You’re naughty,” say, “That was a bad choice.” Remind your child that he can still be a good kid who made a poor choice.
Praise Your Child’s Efforts
Sometimes parents only praise perfection. But if you only say things like, “Great job scoring two goals today,” or “Excellent job getting all your spelling words right,” your child may think he has to excel to be worthy of kind words.
Praise your child’s efforts by saying things like, “I noticed you didn’t give up during the game today and it paid off, “or “I like the way you studied so hard for your spelling test.” Also, remember to praise pro-social behavior by saying things like, “Great job sharing with your friend.”
Make Discipline about Learning — Not Punishment
Trying to make a child feel bad isn’t likely to motivate him to do better. But, giving a logical consequence in a respectful manner can help him learn skills that will prevent him from repeating his mistake.
Make it clear that there will be chances to do better in the future. Preserving his self-esteem will give him the confidence that he can try harder and do better next time.